How Being 'Right' All the Time Destroys Discussion... and Relationships

I was having a conversation today with a person who I not only admire and greatly respect, but who helped shaped my understanding of Christian ministry, particularly Christian Education. He works for a publication company and they are in the middle of revamping some Bible study material. After we talked a bit about the project, we both noted that studying the Bible passage and leading a discussion about a passage were very different things and, sadly, not many Christians actually know how to have a Bible discussion or have a meaningful conversation about their faith.

Some of it stems from nerves. Christians who take seriously the Gospel message of salvation often feel the weight of communicating that message to others in a Bible discussion context: “What if I say the wrong things? What if I don’t know the answer to the questions people might ask?” I sympathize with people who just feel overwhelmed by their perceived responsibility to be the perfect teacher. But perhaps worse than this is the circumstance with folks who do think they know how to lead a Bible discussion because they have all the answers, or at least know better than everyone else in the room.

One is not disqualified from leading a Bible discussion because one doesn’t have all the answers. In fact, if the discussion leader is constantly spouting off all the “right” answers, there won’t be much of a discussion. Too many people who profess to be followers of Christ insist that to be a Christian means you must have an answer for everything: what kind of movies you can watch, what kind food you can eat, how you should educate your children, even how you should regime your infant’s schedule. “There is an answer.” When this attitude is brought into a Bible discussion people quickly fall into a game of “guess the teacher”… trying to deduce what the discussion leader wants to hear. This not only shuts down conversation but relationship as well (is it any wonder that so many non-Christians find relationships with Christians so tedious?).

I have spent over half my life leading Bible discussions in various settings (churches, college dormitories, fraternity houses, homes) and one of my favorite things to say is, “I haven’t thought about it from that perspective before… let me think about that.” Most Christians are terrified of ‘not knowing.’ Why? My experience is, more often than not, that these adherents of the Christian religion believe that being a good Christian means knowing all the right things or knowing all the right rules so they can do all the right things. Let me be honest: I am a pastor, from a family of pastors… I have been a Christian all my life and a student of the scriptures and theology for 20 years... and I am confused all the time!

I don’t mean to say that the scriptures are confusing (indeed its fundamental message of grace and mercy in the life, death and resurrection of Jesus Christ is very clear). I do mean to say that I am very confusing and so is every other person I have ever met. We are a jumble of mixed motives, insecurities, noble impulses and base desires. The depths of each human life is so rich and dark, so marvelous and shameful that it is difficult to understand how to honestly submit ourselves to God’s good guidance and love. So, when I was leading a Bible discussion on honoring father and mother and someone asked me, “what does it look like to honor a parent who has been sexually abusive?” I said, “I don’t know. I have never thought about that before but I am sure others have. Let me talk to them.” I am not sure I would say that if I were to get the same question today, but that wasn’t a bad answer at the time. Why not? Because I didn’t know. Because this question might come from a very painful place and to have a glib answer would only disrespect that pain. It communicated that I respect this person enough to be honest about the limits of my own experience and knowledge and that for the sake of this person I am willing to do the work of expanding those limits. It also gives that person room to comment honestly where they are struggling with understanding and applying the scripture. And if people don’t have the freedom to be honest in discussion … even if they are honestly wrong… they won’t speak and eventually won’t come.

My friend from the phone conversation is well known for saying “if people aren’t speaking heresy at your Bible discussions, something is wrong with the way you are leading them” (and, yes… that tells many people exactly who I was talking to but don’t blab his name in the comments section). Leading a Bible discussion is not getting the right answer out there, but having people struggle honestly with the text. A good discussion leader helps them in that struggle, not condemn them for not believing the right things. It would be wise for Christians to take this same attitude into their relationships with people who don’t share their faith. Knowledge is a good thing but “knowledge puffs up but love builds up” (1 Corinthians 8:1). Sometimes the loving answer is “I don’t know.”